How To Write an HP Badfic
by nscangal
Summary: A fun little parody. It's a spinoff of Rabbit of Iron's story How to write an LOTR MarySue. Rating will go up later, but for now, it's safe.
1. Of Cheesy Beginnings and Bad Agnst

How to Write an HP Badfic: A Guide to Doing Everything Wrong

Ahead of time, this is a _parody_. Before those people try to jump down my throat: flames will be ignored. Constructive criticism is fine, but any of the "OMFG u suck!1one!" sort will be deleted. Aside from that, I'm open to suggestions!

Disclaimer: This idea belongs to Rabbit of Iron. It's a spinoff of her wonderful "How to Write an LOTR Mary Sue". I bow to her superior abilities. To those who are curious, it's at www dot fanfiction dot net / 1114751 / 1 / . Sorry, it won't show up if I just paste it in. The HP universe, of course, belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. Sues belong to Suethors and they can have the things, as far as I'm concerned. So, basically, I own only plot. No suing please! Finally, thanks to the person who pointed out that the url wasn't showing up (and the typo. It's fixed now, and you were right), to gundamkiwi for being my beta and to Dippy Cheeser for the name suggestions.

Instructions: similar to a Mad-Lib. When it says (insert character), then insert a suitable character. The first time it will appear as a bunch of suggested names like so: (Harry/Ron/Snape/George/Fred/Other male character). After that it'll be (insert character #whatever), EXCEPT in the case of the Obligatory Sue. I'm calling her Aubergina because Dippy Cheeser's suggestion was too awesome to give up.

Chapter 1 – Of Cheesy Beginnings, Too Much Focus on Clothes and Bad Angst

It was mid-morning at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. (Aubergina/Sapphire/Gwennyfar/Annelise/Victoria/Other obscure, frilly name/Some combination of obscure, frilly names/Nickname drawn from an obscure, frilly name to prove how tomboyish she is/Standard Suename) stood on the Platform, looking out into the dawning of her destiny. Okay, so it wasn't dawn, but it was the start of a new chapter in her life.

Aubergina was so happy that she was able to go to Hogwarts. Her life had, until this point, been one misfortune after another. Her father had died (while trying to get to the hospital to watch her birth/while buying her some ice cream/while playing ball with her/other), and her mother, (Bertha/Belinda/Hattie/Other odd, unpleasant name) blamed her for it. It wasn't _Aubergina's_ fault that (he'd been driving at 150 kilometers per hour in a fifty zone/crossed the street without looking/a drunk driver came along/other). It wasn't _Aubergina's _fault (the huge trailer truck carrying a large load of steel bars had chosen that moment to lose its load, impaling her poor father to his seat and ruining the steering and brakes/a fast moving car came along and hit him/the drunk driver swerved, making him jump out of the way and accidentally falling on his head/other). Finally, it wasn't _Aubergina's_ fault that (the car had then crashed into a brick building, bursting into flames and burning her comatose father to death/another car then came along, breaking his skull and killing him/his neck broke and he was dead before the paramedics arrived/other). No, it wasn't her fault he died. It couldn't have been her fault – she (hadn't even been born yet/had only been a small child!) That didn't stop (insert mother's name here) from blaming her for it, though.

Aubergina heaved a sad sigh, pouting prettily with her naturally cherry-red lips. A strand of (black/blonde/red/brown/urple/other) hair fell into her face. She brushed it away with a (pale/creamy/olive/exotic and dark/yellow/other) skinned hand. At the thought of her poor, deceased father, her large (blue/green/blue-green/ grey/brown/wilver/black/other) eyes began to overflow with tears. Her perfect face wasn't marred at all by the tears that she always cried whenever she thought of her late father, however. She couldn't even get angry at her mother. Aubergina understood why (insert mother's name) hated her, and so she couldn't be angry. Nobody who understood people as well as Aubergina did could ever be angry with someone. She wiped her (small/dainty/regular/attractive/cute/little) nose with a Kleenex and dabbed her tears away.

Aubergina was just lucky her mother had allowed her to come. (insert mother's name) hated the child she'd brought into the world, and made the poor, unfortunate soul as unhappy as possible. However, (insert mother's name) also hated having Aubergina around and supporting her. When her Hogwarts letter had arrived, it had taken a while for (insert mother's name) to decide what to do – make Aubergina happy for once in her life, or be stuck with the girl for the next few years? (insert mother's name) had eventually come to the decision that Aubergina would go.

The only good thing that Aubergina's mother ever did for her was buy her (the best clothes that money could buy/a wardrobe of the latest, most expensive fashions). Aubergina couldn't even indulge in liking the popular fashions because her mother ruined it for her. "Make yourself presentable," (mother's name) would snap. "I have an image to maintain." Of course, Aubergina would. Right now, she was wearing (cute/stylish/attractive/nice/pretty) (pink/urple/blue/white/yellow/orange/puke green/other), lacy tank-top that showed off a lot of her ample chest and cut off above her belly button to show her minute waist. Her hipster jeans were pale and in the latest cut and style. The only part of the outfit that Aubergina felt was "her" was the sk8er shoes.

Aubergina (had been attending Hogwarts for 3 years./had gone to school in America but transferred to Hogwarts this year./had her powers discovered late and would be put in with those her age despite having no schooling in magic up to that point. During the summer, she'd made up what she was behind in with a speed that would have left even Hermione Grainger gasping.) She was now in her fourth year, and would easily be the prettiest girl at Hogwarts this year. According to the boys, her long (shimmery/shiny/healthy/gorgeous/perfect) (insert colour) hair was her best feature, followed by her (large/mysterious/sad/huge/perfect/other) (insert colour) eyes and (large/gigantic/immense/brobdingnagian/humongous) chest. Her considerable physical attributes aside, she was also the smartest girl in the school. Hermione Grainger turned green with jealousy every time Aubergina came near. This was unfortunate, since they were both in the same house and Aubergina would likely become a Prefect next year. A Prefect couldn't afford to have someone hate her the way Hermione did. It wasn't Aubergina's fault she was so smart and pretty and perfect Prefect-material! She'd give it all up if she could just get someone to accept her for who she was.

The train finally arrived, and Aubergina got on. She passed (Draco/Harry/Ron/George/Fred/other) on her way to look for an empty compartment so she could ride alone. She looked into his (blue/green/other) eyes and was lost the sea of (insert colour) for a moment. He blinked, and gaped at her. She noticed suddenly that (he'd grown up a great deal since last year/he seemed wise beyond his years). He was also (incredibly/extremely/amazingly/outstandingly/other) (good looking/hot/beautiful/pretty/sexy) (insert lust-object) opened his mouth to say something, but Aubergina was already running away, down the hall, and trying not to cry again.


	2. Of Moping Over True Loves, etc

How to Write an HP Badfic – Chapter Two

Disclaimers and thank yous: HP belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. The idea of a Badfic/Suefic guide belongs to Rabbit of Iron (whose wonderful fic "How to write an LOTR MarySue" is at the adress on the first chapter), not me. I own only plot. The Sue belongs to the various Suethor's out there, and they can have her. Thanks to gundamkiwi for name suggestions and all the people who suggested things to do/names.

Instructions: Mad-lib format. Options will be like this: (option 1/option 2…). If the thing is an option for a name/thing/colour, it will be referred to as (insert name/thing/colour) after the first choice part, except in the case of the Sue and the Suefriend (my term for the Mary Sue friend of a Mary Sue OFC). I'm calling the Sue Aubergina (thanks to Dippy Cheeser for the name). I'm going to be calling the Suefriend Gwennyfar. Fake A/Ns, so you know, will be in _italics_. I won't have any real A/Ns in the storyline.

Once again, flames will be ignored, but suggestions and constructive criticism will be gratefully accepted. On with the show!

Chapter 2 – Of Moping Over True Loves™, Suefriends, and Obnoxious Author's Notes

Aubergina ran down the aisle, leaving (insert lust object) blinking in confusion behind her. She found an empty compartment, got into it, and shut the door behind her just as she lost her fight to keep from crying. Sobbing (sadly/wretchedly/hopelessly/piteously), she (sat/fell/lay down/threw herself down) on the bench. Why was it that she had found her One True Love™ in one day, only to find that he was unattainable?

Because (insert lust object) was so much better than her, he might as well be in a different solar system _(A/N: Ok, I know that doesn't make any sense, but it fits, alright? I'm sure you all get the picture XD)_. He was (Harry Potter/Harry Potter's friend/very rich/very popular/too good for her/other)! (Insert lust object) would never go for a girl like her. She might as well give it up ahead of time.

Aubergina ('s thoughts continued in this way for several hours/continued moping for several hours). When the food trolley came around, she bought a lot of sweets and ate them all as comfort food. Aubergina knew she could get away with this without having to worry about weight gain or acne the way most girls her age would. Her fast metabolism and perfect complexion would take care of her.

Still weeping (sadly/wretchedly/pathetically/forlornly/piteously), she began to get her robes out so she would be ready to change into them when the time came. After all, she might be a Gryffindor Prefect next year, so she had to impress the teachers with her neat/scholarly/intelligent/perfect appearance.

A sound at the door drew her attention. A Ravenclaw that Aubergina didn't recognize poked her head in. Aubergina grabbed a Kleenex and immediately began wiping the tears off her face. The Ravenclaw looked concerned.

"Hello," said the Ravenclaw girl uncertainly. "I'm (Gwennyfar/Marylou/Chamomile/Shiitake/Tierrainney/other). Are you alright?"

"Yes," Augergina (sniffed/sobbed/cried/wailed). "I'm fine."

"Can I sit here?" Gwennyfar asked. The (pale/creamy skinned/olive complexioned/dark/exotic), (beautiful/gorgeous/ethereal/heavenly), (slender/thin/skinny/perfectly proportioned), (buxom/well endowed/large-chested) (blonde/brunette/redhead/other) girl with (black/green/blue-green/blue/brown/other) eyes opened the door a bit and gave a (friendly/pretty/perfect) smile. Her features weren't _as_ perfect as Aubergina's (her nose was a hair too big), and her figure wasn't _as_ curvy (her breasts were a little smaller, and her waist was a little larger), but she was the closest to Aubergina's physical peer that Aubergina had ever seen. Her smile lifted Aubergina's mood a little "If I won't be disturbing you, that is."

Aubergina flashed her own (radiant/shiny/white/perfect/godlike) smile in response. "Of course!" she (enthused/gushed/exclaimed/erupted). She gestured to a seat with a (dainty/small/delicate) (hand/foot/finger/leg/other). "Have a seat."

Gwennyfar sat. "What's the matter? Forgive me, but you don't look like you're 'fine'."

(Almost against her will/Easily/Surprisingly), Aubergina found herself telling Gwennyfar about the whole (wretched/tragic/sad/stupid/moronic/other) (situation/mess/B.S.). "…And I _know_ he won't _ever_ like a girl like me because, let's face it, (insert lust object)'s got _loads_ of better girls to pick from!" Aubergina finished (sadly/pathetically/mournfully).

"Aubergina, I know I've only known you for the fifteen minutes you've been telling your story, but any boy who doesn't (like you/love you at first sight/accept you for who you are) is a moron. You're smart, you're pretty, _and_ you're popular. Who _wouldn't_ like you?" Gwennyfar (comforted/reassured) her.

Aubergina heaved a (sad/tragic/lonely) sigh and pouted (sadly/prettily/daintily/beautifully) with her (Cupid's bow/moist/perfect/full) lips. "(Insert lust object) wouldn't."

"If he doesn't," the beautiful Gwennyfar said, "then he's a moron. But how do you _know?_ Have you asked him?"

Aubergina looked at Gwennyfar with something akin to (horror/fear/shock). "I couldn't do that! Would you do that with the boy you like!"

Gwennyfar (flushed/blushed/turned a pretty shade of pink). "Well, no," she admitted (bashfully/sheepishly/embarrassedly). "Oh, look! It's time to get changed. I hate the Hogwarts robes, don't you? I mean, I'm far too (pale/dark/other) for black, and there's only so many ways you can do your makeup to look good with them."

Aubergina shook her head. "I like them," she said. "They're far better (than the clothes Mother makes me wear/than preppy clothes/than Muggle clothes). And I like black. It (looks good on my skin/suits the pain of my soul/is a tradition), and besides (they're comfortable/they're, like, _goth_/they're a part of the magical world)."

"I can't say I agree with you," Gwennyfar said. "But let's just agree to disagree, shall we?" Aubergina nodded in response.

The two new friends got dressed (quickly/with almost supernatural speed). When they were done, Aubergina turned to Gwennyfar and asked, "Why did you come here, anyway?"

"Oh, that. Well, I was (looking for the bathroom/trying to meet some of my friends/just wandering around) and I heard you crying. I (thought I could help/wanted to see if anything was wrong)."

"Oh," Aubergina said. "I'm glad you did. Come in, that is. You're (like the sister I wish I had/the best friend I've ever had)."

"Me, too. You're (like my brother come back from the dead to take care of me only you're a girl/like my twin would be, if she weren't bedridden with a mysterious illness/my best friend, too)!"

The girls spent the remainder of the trip telling each other about themselves. Gwennyfar, it turned out, had a pet (ferret/spider/iguana/bat/guinea pig/goldfish/leech) named Aria. She carried the (insert animal) around in her pocket. She'd gotten special permission from the Headmaster to keep her pet, even though most students were only allowed to keep a cat or a toad or an owl as a pet. The fourth year had grown up in France, but went to Hogwarts instead of Beauxbatons. She (refused to explain why/only knew that her mother had insisted). Gwennyfar's happy childhood had been destroyed when (her brother was killed by Death Eaters/her twin got an incurable disease and became permanently bedridden/her pet dog had been drowned by her uncle because he was old) when she was eight. She had vowed (to get revenge/to learn how to cure her twin/to never let an animal die again, which was why she became a vegan).

Before they knew it, the train had come to a stop and it was time to get off. A new year at Hogwarts was about to begin.


End file.
